"Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious."

"Ya know, if you treated every comic the way you treated me tonight. You would never see a bad show."

"The only reason there isn't life on other planets is because their scientists were more advanced than ours."

"A diplomat is a man who says you have an open mind, instead of telling you that you have a hole in the head."

"Language is the picture and counterpart of thought."

"The training of children is a profession, where we must know how to waste time in order to save it"

"He had the entertainment of thinking that if he had for that moment stopped the clock it was to promote the next minute this still livelier motion."

"Fate rules the affairs of mankind with no recognizable order."

"The arts must be considered an essential element of education... They are tools for living life reflectively, joyfully and with the ability to shape the future."

"There are two things needed in these days; first, for rich men to find out how poor men live; and second, for poor men to know how rich men work."

"Great necessities call out great virtues."

"The friendships of the world are oft confederacies in vice, or leagues of pleasures."